
April 7th. I’ll never forget that date moving forward.
It was the day I found my dad dead in his apartment.
My father had a smartphone that he didn’t know how to work very well. Sometimes he would accidentally shut it off, or put it on airplane mode. I called over the weekend, as I was busy doing his laundry. My sister and I got in the car and drove to his place. I received a phone call from his nurse for home health aid that they weren’t able to reach him. They were there on Monday and no one could get in contact with him.
Arriving at his place, I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I figured he must be in the restroom. I went to the office to get a key and open the door. Maybe he was sick again? He had just come out of rehab (physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy). A few weeks earlier, he was in the hospital because he had a stoke which led to a seizure. They started him on a new blood thinner and seizure medication.
I opened the door.
That is when the smell hit me.
I was in shock. He was on the floor in his room passed out. But when I went into the room, it was too late: my father was dead and his body must have been there for a couple of days. I panicked. I cried. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I called 911, but again, it was too late. They were sending out police officers. I didn’t even have adequate time to grieve. I had to be stoic and in my right mind as best as I was able so I could speak with the officers. I called my brother and my mother to tell them the shocking news. I won’t bore you with the rest of the details. But, that’s when I confronted death and darkness.
Days later, I contemplated and spoke with my High Priest in the Alexandrian Tradition, along with my Minos (High Priest) in the Minoan Brotherhood. I spoke separately with them. I noticed, looking through our Witchcraft and Trad Wiccan liturgy, that there was nothing on how to deal with death and darkness. Sure, requiem ceremonies could be used. But my question was HOW to deal with death and darkness. So, I turned to the philosophies of both StrixCraft as well as liturgy from the Trad Witch and Trad Wiccan BoS’s. What was missing, I wanted to add to our grove and coven’s work. So, I turned to one of our sacred liturgies: the Charge of the Goddess.
The Charge of the Goddess
In the Charge, there are several lines that seem to work with how death deals:
I am the Gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of joy unto the heart. Upon earth, I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal; and beyond death, I give peace, and freedom, and reunion with those who have gone before. Nor do I demand sacrifice, for behold I am the Mother of All Living, and my love is poured out upon the earth.
I turned to the Goddess, specifically, the Goddesses Hekate and Persephone. Both are Underworld deities with a host of daimons (spirits) that follow them. In the Charge of the Goddess, she speaks about what is beyond death; namely, peace, freedom, and reunion. it comforted me to some extent. But again, the grief was too much. I was having nightmares and flashbacks to what I found. Just HOW do I grieve. HOW do I deal with the PTSD?
Nyx: First Mother
I then turned my awareness to my own teachings in the Ophic Strix Trad. There are steps in how to deal with that kind of suffering. Let me explain. In my mythology, there was First Mother, whom we call Nyx (“Night”), also known as the Star Goddess (a title also used in the liturgy of the Charge). Nyx felt empty within. Lonely. She searched the entire Cosmos for one like her. Finally, she came upon the curved black mirror of Space. When she saw herself in all of her glory, she fell in love and lust with what she had seen: herself. She fell in love with what she was seeing, and immediately began to masturbate. At the explosion of orgasm, the two first beings came out in sexual embrace:
Eros and Thanatos. The Sacred Twins.
Now two males, then two females, then one or the other: eroticism birthed the Cosmos. It is an essential component of who we are as people, as animals. It is the pull of the song of Eros – playing with his flute (no pun intended) – which draws things together. It is the blade of Thanatos that causes separation.
Having discovered herself in all of her glory, the image before her now was shattered. Pieces of Nyx began to move, like nebulas, in which Nyx changed herself to become the very creative force that she birthed. She was searching for herself again. The theme of evolution is her love story. She would know herself in all of her being. Again. In an effort to do that, she began to birth and create all of what she knew. So, in essence, the evolution of bacteria, beings on other worlds, us, Nature, plants, galaxies, etc are all of Nyx attempting to know herself again. Once she does, the Cosmos will fold in upon itself, and it was begin again.
Polishing the Sacred Mirror
Inspired by this myth, I realized that the heart is our mirror. Not the physical heart, but the spiritual heart. The seat of emotions, the anchor to our energy bodies, and the center of our entire being. The heart is the key to one of the most powerful shadow working experiences that we can do: polishing it and bringing back the pieces which were shattered.
Trauma causes our heart to be shattered. Our pieces break off and may go into the ether. The only way to heal the shattered heart is to confront out darkness and spend time in healing techniques to bring back the pieces which are lost. In a sense, this is similar to “shamanic” soul retrievals. The ancient Greeks had something similar in a technique known as incubation, who’s purpose is to seek out the healing Gods Asklepios and Apollon to give the patient inspiration in dream work so that they may discover the key to their healing. The “shamans” were known as physician-seers, or an iatromanis.
Their main goal was to help patients come to know themselves via dream work and the silence of incubation. Unlike some shamanic techniques which encourage drumming and loud chanting, incubation was done in silence. It would begin with a purification bath and then lead to a sleeping chamber. Herbs would help with the cleansing bath, along with sacred drinks to help purge the body.
In an effort to help bring pieces together, this procedure was focused intently on healing the whole being: body, mind, spirit, environmental, and character-wise. Likewise, I interpret it that the key to holistic healing was to heal the shattered heart. That being said, shattered pieces often did not return or can be retrieved. Reasons vary. So, the heart would need to formulate new pieces which would match with the shattered pieces, and a new heart would be born. This is what is meant to polish the sacred mirror: return to love and First Mother, whose inspiration to know herself in all of her being was utilized on the microcosm.
Darkness and the Shadow
Healing is never simple. In fact, in and of itself can be traumatic. Healing challenges us to confront the darkness within, what some call the Shadow. The Shadow, that alter-ego which encompasses the negativity and trauma that has shattered our hearts, is a very real presence we all carry. Some people feel that as long as we suppress those behaviors and feelings, we are doing a great job. Others try not to embrace the Shadow, instead encouraging a positive outlook. Finally, the Shadow is viewed as the enemy; something “demonic” and an entity that will pull us down, and so exorcisms to banish the Shadow (which you can’t do) are done. Like an active volcano that has enough pressure within it before a powerful explosion, these teachings do not help. Instead, they try and keep the Shadow buried, something that will only lead to a very difficult and strenuous path that results in psychotic breaks.
Nyx is darkness. In witchcraft, darkness and shadow are holy. There is nothing unorthodox about working with our dark alter-ego in order to find fulfillment. In fact. death itself is holy. It is Nature. It is evolution. It is the love story of Nyx attempting to find herself. Dark matter encompasses 85% of the Cosmos, and dark energy is a repulsive, causing things to scatter away from each other. These are natural. It is natural to work with your alter-ego. It is natural to be afraid, to be grieving and feel alone. It is natural to be in the dark for some time. Like wounded animals which seek to hide and incubate for some time until they are healed, we as humans must be able to also know when it is time to step away from the chaos and noise to focus on ourselves in order to be whole again. You can ask for help. You can ask for boundaries and patience. All that you do is sacred. Remember that.
My own Shadow
So, after everything, just how do I feel? Simple. I am angry. I feel it is unfair that I lost my dad and yet others still have theirs. Yes, I realize I make no sense. Logic is gone. I am pure emotion. But, I am also in a sacred place. Death is an inevitable part of life. He is dead. My father preferred the term “phased.” He has phased to another existence. The Goddess teaches us to know how to light our torches in the darkest of times. Hekate is a Torch Bearer, someone who walks with us in the shade, holding aloft her torches which light the way. I follow her willingly. These are tough times, and it will take time and patience (two words I hate). However, it is all part of the process: polishing the sacred mirror of our hearts, embracing our Shadow, and moving forward to help us adapt so that Nyx as us can rediscover her own truth. I remind you now with a saying for the Goddess Hekate: En Erebos Phos! (In Darkness, Light!).
Eirene kai Hugieia!
(Peace and Health!)
Oracle